the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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