So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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