Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
