I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
