Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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