Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
