Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
BRING THE BAGELS
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
