Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
