Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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