Only a mothe r could love this liver
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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