shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
