I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
