I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
