I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
