Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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