i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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