My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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