how can u be prego again
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
