you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
