You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
