giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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