Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
