The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
