naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
