Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just cropdusted the office
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize