I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
