oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
