Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
