Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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