Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My nipple is on Facebook.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
