fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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