it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
