Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
