she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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