A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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