you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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