Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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