so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
