oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
