I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
