I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
