i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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