If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
