After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
