I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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