i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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