I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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