Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
