Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
