She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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