The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
