Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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